some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
