I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
