dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
babies were throwing up all over the place
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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