she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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