He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
