So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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