I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
