genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
