see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
