my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
