You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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