im about as happy as oj after his trial
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
