I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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