the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
