I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
