This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
