I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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