You smell like a Billy Joel song
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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