Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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