There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
