if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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