she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you never un-have a 4some
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
