you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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