i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize