OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
