I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
