I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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