I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
