I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
