I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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