This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize