Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
