explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
