when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
