hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
