I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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