After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
