I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
