I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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