Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize