we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
