I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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