u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
