Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
