the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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