The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize