More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
