You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Someone signed my nipple.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
