this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
