i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I AM VODKA MAN
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
