the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
