Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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