You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
