i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
