Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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