my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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