Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
