I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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