non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
