When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you win again, gameday.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
